april 2006

[betagainstme]

Alice has a lot of emotions on the best of days.

And lately, the days have not been the best. She's overwhelmed, scared, worried, grateful--so many things swarming around in her mind all the time. Star had exacerbated some of those feelings, and quelled some others.

She closes the downstairs bathroom door, the one that leads to Milliways, and leans against it for a moment. The family is home--she can hear Jasper in their room, probably packing up for their weekend; Rose and Emmett in the living room, watching a movie; Esme painting; Edward in his room and Carlisle--

Her feet move on their own accord as she wanders down the hallway, toward Carlisle's office. Usually she knocks, waits for his okay to answer. Not today--today, Alice just opens the door and steps in, finding Carlisle at his bookcase, flipping through a volume of something or another.

There's a quarter-second of hesitation, and then Alice rushes across the room and throws her arms around Carlisle's waist, hugging him from the side, tightly.

Comments

[ofthefamily]

Carlisle sees Alice incoming only an eye-blink before she makes contact. She fits easily below his arm, even though --

"Alice? What's this?"

-- it's been awhile since his daughter has run to him like this.

[betagainstme]

"I need to talk to you," she mumbles into his side, quietly. "I, um, I was going to wait until I came home from Canada but I need to now."

Alice pulls back, just enough to look up at her father--

you only pretend to be my father

--and see his face.

[ofthefamily]

"Oh. Alright."

Sounds serious.

"Should this be a conversation outside of the house? For as much privacy as that affords anyone in this family," he attempts to joke. "We could try it regardless."

[betagainstme]

She has the decency to look ashamed at that--her quick muttering to her husband and siblings as Carlisle and Edward spoke in the woods blossoming in her memory. "That would be good," she whispers, nodding. "Um, Edward probably knows it all already, but--"

Alice nods again, stepping back from Carlisle before gesturing grandly toward the door, her own attempt at levity.

[ofthefamily]

But Edward knowing things tends to be a foregone conclusion.

When they both make it out of the house, Carlisle digs his keys out of his pocket for the Mercedes and holds the door open for Alice.

[betagainstme]

She slides in, offering Carlisle a smile as he shuts the door. When they're down the drive, she twists her fingers into her sweater arm, trying to decide which words to use.

Words have been hard lately.

"I was in Milliways, earlier," Alice begins. "I met someone you know. Someone you'd told me about before."

She looks over at him. "Star."

[ofthefamily]

After a moment, looking both ways before turning left on the first main road toward town, "...I hope it went positively."

[betagainstme]

Yes?



"I think so," she murmurs. "She read the cards for me."

[ofthefamily]

Carlisle's not really paying attention to it, but he's heading toward the hospital as he drives.

"Is that a good thing?"

[betagainstme]

“I wasn’t sure. But they provided...clarity.”

She’s hesitant. Wary, about how she wants to approach this. She doesn’t want to keep hurting people.

“Edward and I spoke, about the Volturi. And what needs to be done to keep us safe from them. In focusing on that, so hard, I...got lost. The path got confusing. Star helped.”

Another hesitation, with her staring across at Carlisle. Then: “I took it to heart. Stormcrow. I thought...I can be a stormcrow to protect this family. I can be a harbinger. But then it twisted. And I became afraid I’d be the harbinger for us. Lead us to destruction.”

Alice looks away, out the window. “She said I’m not.”

She’s also aware that her sentences and thoughts are broken, half formed. It’s as good as she can give right now it seems.

[ofthefamily]

Stormcrow. Shit.

Still on the road to the hospital, but at least Carlisle now has a tiny bit more of a plan in mind.

"I'll not apologize for being angry, or upset, or anything about--" waving a hand vaguely in front of his steering wheel "--all of this, Alice. But I will say I regret that the words I used were...too severe."

"You have always been a blessing to this family."

[betagainstme]

I'm not sorry for going.

"I don't want you to apologize." Alice whispers, staring out the window still. It feels like an odd deja-vu, talking in a car, the trees whizzing past. At least this time, Jasper won't nearly take a door off in trying to drag her out. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I feel like it's all I've done since coming home."

Her head clunks against the window, gently. "Not that I shouldn't be. I messed up a lot before I left. But when I...couldn't get the ends that I saw, in that room, out of my head...I knew I had to harden somehow, or I'd fall into it. I'm sorry for a lot, but I'm not sorry for going, nor will I be. But, and I know I've apologized to you many times, but it bears saying again: I should not have said the things I said to you."

[ofthefamily]

Which part --

It forms as a decision in his head, solid and real, and then gets wiped away just as quickly. That's unfair, he decides.

[betagainstme]

"Carlisle," she murmurs, turning her head to look at him again.

And it's a bad testament to your character.


You only pretend to be my father...so you have no right!


You're a goddamn saint, Carlisle.


"Everything that didn't have to do with that ascot," she tries, sighing at her stupid attempt to joke. "I shouldn't...have said you were a bad person. Or called you a saint as a curse. And you've always...cared about me, like a father. And I threw that in your face."

Her voice trembles and she picks at her sweater again. "You didn't deserve that. Or my anger. And I was so angry. But barely at you, but I took it all out on you."

[ofthefamily]

"I won't stop."

Caring about Alice.

Being who he is.

"With the ascots, I mean." Sure.

With the hospital parking lot coming into view, "Your way was healthier than the poor fir trees I obliterated."

[betagainstme]

"Jasper followed your example," Alice shoots Carlisle a half-smile. "Destroyed a couple out by Shipwreck Point while yellin' at me."

Looking out at the parking lot in front of them, her lips twist to the side. "Is the idea of talking to me so terrible you drive me to work in an attempt to bore me into leaving?"

Look! It's a real smile now!

[ofthefamily]

"Ha. No, not quite. I hadn't even truly planned to come here, but...it makes sense, I suppose.

"Being caretakers, neither of us do well with the thought that we cannot protect those whom we love the most dearly. I work with humans all the time specifically to prevent them from dying. Which is what humans do."

Carlisle pulls into the parking lot and finds a visitor's spot, so any staff heading toward the staff-only side don't try to engage him.

Still looking forward, even as the car stops entirely. "If anything happens to someone in this family, I will never be able to assume it is anything other than my fault. That is immutable, do you understand?"

[betagainstme]

"Which is why I went after him." The words tumble out before she can stop them. "I'd...never be able to look you in the eye if I didn't go and he died."

Alice looks out the window again, her fingers tight on her leg. "I didn't send him there, but I knew he was going before anyone else. It would have been my fault if I let it happen."

[ofthefamily]

"I could have lost both of you."

[betagainstme]

Her inhale is more of a choked noise than she'd like.

In fact, her exhale is more of a sob.

Her fingers tighten on her knee.



"I know."

[ofthefamily]

It's important.

"Do you think I would survive your loss better than I would Edward's?"

If Edward had returned but Alice had not, does Alice think it would have ruined him any less?

[betagainstme]

She wants to tell him yes.

Because Edward is Edward. Alice shoved her way into Carlisle's life--it was different.

But his words give her pause as she twists her fingers around one another, lip trembling as she tries to keep it inside. Together.

He very nearly lost them both. All paths led to the end except the one she chose.

It occurs to her she hasn't said anything, but the words still don't come.

[ofthefamily]

It isn't as though either of them have a schedule.

After a moment, Carlisle turns his palm face up on top of his gear shift as invitation. He's still looking forward through his windshield. "You can tell me."

[betagainstme]

"Every path," Alice whispers, staring at his hand before carefully placing hers in his. Fingers curling around his, trembling still. She doesn't look away from it, their hands. "Every path I saw...ended in death, or worse, unless I let Aro see that Bella...would be like us."

Her words are rushed, quiet. "I let him...in my mind and now he knows...so much." Her head turns quickly to look out the window again, hair wobbling around her chin. "But all I could think is that I had to get them out. For you, for Charlie. I didn't think much of myself at all. Least of all what it would do to anyone else."

Jasper reminded her that--she made choices she never should have, in the first place. Choices that weren't hers alone to make. She had worried about herself, but only in the context of Jasper.

"I didn't think my death would be...as shattering." A quiet breath, nearly unheard. It hurts her to say it, and she winces, knowing it would hurt others to hear it. "I'm sorry."

[ofthefamily]

"I have no problem admitting it would be different. But you are different people. It should be different.

"Alice, you chose us. I didn't make you. You sought us out. That is so extraordinary. Admittedly, it took you decades to believe us when we said we wanted you here, but that was fine too.

"I didn't force you to be like me. You just...wanted to. There are days when that still does not make sense to me."

Carlisle doesn't need to breathe, except how air is required to pass through his throat to create speech. The effect is a little startling for humans, but for vampires, it is just their usual quiet.

"Edward is my oldest. Esme, my love. Rosalie and Emmett are my dear children. But you and Jasper came to us and started to fill in all the gaps we hadn't known existed."

"And if you did not know that would be ruinous for me, for you to be lost, well. Now you do, my dear."